Happy Halloween. I’ve always wanted to make a pumpkin out of my bump and this is a FIRST.

It’s been a WILD month for sure. We hadn’t had an ultrasound since the 18 week anatomy scan and at the first ultrasound since then we’re told my amniotic fluid was on the “higher” side. My OB suggested that we go back to the same specialist that did our anatomy ultrasound to make sure there isn’t anything she wasn’t picking up on at my appointments with her. So off to the specialist we go. Nothing appeared to be wrong with the baby, however, the specialist suggested because of the higher fluid, we should have a non-stress test twice a week AND an ultrasound twice a week. Oh, and even though I passed my 1 hour Glucose screening for Gestational Diabetes, we should do the 3 hour test and take some extra bloodwork to rule out any infections that could be the cause of the elevated fluid level… Just in case. Oof!

It gets pretty hard here.. Please note that I always want to come from a place where I am understanding and respecting the doctor’s orders, but even after the first few weeks of this weekly monitoring that the specialist suggested, we were always told Belly Buddy looks great and is doing fine. I, on the other hand, wanted to not spend hours at a doctor’s office (sometimes 4 different appointments most weeks because of their scheduling availability), sit through a 3 hour glucose test (while fasting), get poked and prodded for blood, just to be told again that the baby is fine. And before you come for me, because it sounds so rough and selfish typing this out loud…. It is why I said it got hard at this point. The more I voiced how frustrated I felt about all that I have to keep doing.. the more I sounded like I didn’t care because “it’s not my baby” and that is FAR from what I was trying to express. So.. I kept chugging along to all the appointments as senseless as they seemed at times. I had to request time off work as their scheduling had me an hour away for several hours at a time most weeks. It was hard and stressful for me to be running around, on little to no sleep, getting these appointments in just to always know (and be told) that my belly buddy is fine. It always made me question WHY, while forcing myself to trust the process of all of this because it is better to be safe than sorry.

I’ve passed my 1 hour glucose test and all the extra blood work to rule out any infections came back all clear. Belly Buddy still continues to be growing and progressing well, and unfortunately there is not a clear reason as to why my amniotic fluid level is high, but the specialist wants me to continue on the twice a week nst/ultrasound schedule.

I am pretty miserable at this point. The weekly appointments are taking a lot out of me. I have 2 teenagers that are really active in sports and a 4 year old that keeps me pretty busy in general. I mean, don’t all toddlers?! I also work in Real Estate, so to add all of these intense appointments on top of my normal duties that I seemed to have such a handle on before… stresses me out.

Let’s also talk about my husband for a second, because he was 100% on board with Surrogacy for all the years I longed to do this, even after finally having the opportunity to be a surrogate now. But, it wasn’t until maybe a month or so ago that it became really tough for him. I’m not really sure if it was my openness about how stressful it has started to get for me as this pregnancy is soooo very different from my 3 other pregnancies, the higher expectations I have for him to do more, even though this isn’t his child, or if he just doesn’t know how to handle the stress it’s putting on us as a family.

But sadly, I feel more alone in my journey. Going into this, my husband was the person I knew I needed the most support from. On the days I can’t get the kids shuffled around to sports or picked up from school because of appointments etc, I need him. All the nights I’m sick to my stomach and can’t sleep, but I have to wake up early and get kids to school and off to work, I need him. Sadly it appeared that somewhere along the way he wasn’t sure how to make sense of my emotions/hormones/feelings/needs and became very distant. I found myself in a pretty rough place trying to balance ALL the chaos…. alone, while not letting it affect my pregnancy.

I did spend time talking and venting to Laurie Reynolds at this point. She’s the Mental Health Counselor that the agency linked me with. I don’t talk so much about my husband and I, but more about how the relationship with my IM at this stage is beginning to feel very overwhelming. I feel guilty for being upset so often, not being able to express fully that I am feeling so bad about the way this pregnancy has me feeling while also not wanting her to worry so much about me. I mean, I have no control over my emotions at this point. Do we ever? Laurie is also so diligent about listening and providing constructive input on how I can find the balance while also not lashing out on people. I think it’s honestly a HUGE blessing to have counseling as an option during Surrogacy. Because as much as this can feel like rainbows and butterflies from the start, it can change very quickly. I am happy for the support as we continue our ride đź’—